Croquet: The Gentleman’s Game? Not where I come from. Growing up, my brothers and sisters used to play this backyard game in very un-gentlemanly ways.

We’d send our opponents’ balls flying into the bush, down our long driveway and into the little creek that ran next to our house. Out-of-bounds was for babies, and sending other players hurtling into the long grass was as much a goal as winning.

Yes, Extreme Croquet, in all its majestic meanness, was a way of life in our backyard.

Rule variations

Growing up, we stuck pretty close to the standard croquet rules. We set the wickets up in the standard figure-eight pattern and the goal of knocking our balls through all the wickets remained the same.

As did the rules of what happens when your ball strikes another player’s: lay your ball next to theirs and strike yours with your mallet to send their ball soaring. You could also opt to rest your foot on your ball to prevent it from moving as well when struck.

However, this meant risking hitting your own foot with your mallet. It was a gamble made more dangerous for two key reasons:  1) we often played in bare feet; and 2) we swung those mallets as hard as possible to send opponents flying as far as possible.

We did make a couple exceptions to the rules:

• There were no out-of-bounds. Even if your ball ended up submerged in water, tangled up in thorny raspberry bushes, underneath the car or within the jaws of a rabid badger, you played it where it lay.
• A player who is performing poorly could choose to become a “Shadow.” The sole objective of a Shadow is to be a sore loser and make things as difficult as possible for the other players. They chase after the leaders with their ball and smash them as often as possible. A good Shadow can delay a game for hours, with common Shadow expressions including, “Say hi to the creek for me” and “You lose, jerk face.”

Equipment Enhancements

There are no love-taps in Extreme Croquet. And constantly striking other players as aggressively as possible takes a toll on the mallets and balls. Feel free to enhance your soon-to-be shattered equipment with sturdier replacements designed to last longer and send your opponents further into the neighbour’s garden.

For example, we commonly replaced the standard thin mallet handle with a broom handle. Not only did this allow for stronger strikes but the added height allowed you to stand up straighter.

Heavier mallet heads help too and some people go as far as to bevel the face of their mallets to add loft to their shots.

Extreme croquet: nothing gentle about it. But pretty dang awesome.